13 September 2020

So far...

 ... I've come so far...

And yet, I have had to pen an email that I hope does not make me sound like a blubbering idiot. I've taken a hard look at my financial situation, finding it lacking to the point of despair. And yet, who do I talk to about this? 

Making plans, all kinds of plans, contingency and alternate plans, plans of grandiose spectacle, and plans of humble action. I do this constantly: here is my goal, how will I reach it? Here is one way, there is another. I have this and that for resources. I can count on these people for emotional support, some even for a wee bit of financial support. If this shall sway that way, I can perform another. When that goes this way, I will celebrate and share. 

But, when all comes to a screeching halt, despite everything I've laid out so carefully - what does a girl do?

Why it is always about money?

I hate money. I hate being so dependent upon it. I hate that so much within our society is centered on the fiscal outcome of whatever action is taken. Not that I am leaning toward socialism, I firmly believe everyone should reap the benefits of their actions. No, I'm talking about the simple fact that no matter how well I construct situations for a beneficial outcome, it winds up costing MONEY that I somehow cannot get into my pocket.

And this leads to why I am in college. But it also drums up the question, do I really need that degree to prove I am good at what I do? 

Yes, but it isn't the degree; it is the experience.

I am learning things anew about my chosen profession. I am tickling my brain in ways that it soooo missed - is what happens when you sit in a job that is so procedurally driven for so long your brain gets all foggy. The muse that I thought died under the stress of "making it" has begun to stretch herself a bit. I am even finding a bit of joy in reading Aristotle! I look at a piece of paper and want to fill it with something. I am beginning to want to write, creatively, again. 

Yet, there is the constant, droning nag from the shadowy corners of my soul:

"Do you really think you will graduate? All this will be a waste. So much time and money, and for what? To end up in a dead-end job again with no growth or future to it? You cannot make a difference, so just go now, while you still can. Leave and get a schmuck web gig and just live the rest of your days paying bills. Who do you think you are? You're not ever going to 'be an artist and make money at it' - you have no idea what you're doing! Just get a job, already, and stop mooching!"

And another bit of my soul dies.

I've asked for so much help from people, and have gotten so much from those that care. I cannot ask anymore. I cannot turn to one or another - they also have their lives. So many people have opened their hearts and wallets for me, I cannot do it anymore. The debt load I carry is not just money... believe me - if it were just money it would be so easy. There is.. more to it. 

It isn't a matter of pride, is it? No, I feel it is more than that. These people who have helped me so much already have laid faith in me - in my ability and drive, to finish what I start. There it is, the whole thing, right there. 

The scholastics are not hard - Aristotle might be a bit much to read, but I've dissected his work before so just need to get back into it. Spanish is a comfort-class as I can feel that part of my mind coming to life once more. Ethics class is a whole lot of fun, and the professor is a dear! Even the droning lectures from media studies remind me of how I used to rip apart magazine ads (actually did that the other day, ripped apart 3 magazines, analyzing their overall design and layout - just for funzies). I enjoy my classes, and this first semester is supposed to be the toughest for me (as I'll be doing more art stuff in future semesters). 

If I can just pay for it all.

I sent an email to the business office today. The knot in my stomach just got tighter. I have to force myself to eat... but the food won't stay down. (And yet, I'm not losing any weight!!)